Toxic People and taking care of yourself…

In 2006 I joined a gym and lost 80lb in one year with the help of my amazing trainer and the great support of my husband and family.
then in 2008 I met this person and she was charming, seemed to be well traveled and was a Geek like me. We hit it off, and became fast friends. We worked togther to raise money for Charity. And I tried to be there for her thru all of her hardships. Hell I even took her 3 sibling in as foster kids for a full year and in the end, all I got from it, was heart ache, an almost destroyed marriage, very few friends and the 80lb. back on my body.
I was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And one day in January of 2012 I felt so indifferent that I almost did the unthinkable, but the faces of my two precious kids flashed into my mind and I decided that my story wasn’t over yet.  I tried for 3 more months to see if I was the problem, but come to find out, thanks to my wonderful sister, it wasn’t really me.
Well it sort of was, cause I wanted to please her, and wanted to help her and make everything right, the problem is, you can’t please a narcissist. They manipulate you into thinking that it’s all your fault, that you are the reason for anything that isn’t right. Well my sister and my husband helped me end the Friendship.
It felt like a divorce, as I didn’t even want to fight for the etsy business we had at the time together and just gave it to her. (needless to say, she went out of business after less than two years)
It is now 4.5yrs later, and I sometimes still mourn the good times we had, but then I look at this…

and realize I am no longer that person. It has taken me 4.5 years to find myself again, cause she literally detroyed my identity. She isolated me from friends. And some friends that still know me now, realize that I am actually a totally different person, inside and out. I am no longer this weak person and I will never let anybody do this to me again. 
In this Journey of healing I started to take care of myself again in this past year. I lost 45lb. and I still have ways to go, but I love myself. I love my smiles, I love my creativity, I love life. I still have depression, but it doesn’t run my life, I still get anxiety when a phonecall comes in, but not nearly as bad as it used to be. 
Taking care of yourself is important. Look at these two women, they are so different. And I love them both. Cause they are me. 
My journey is not over yet, but I am working on it every day and this is more about my mental healing and taking care of myself. When the mind is at easy the body will follow. At least for me that is true.
And I know people still tell me, you need to let this go. No I don’t, it is part of my life, even thou it was a very sucky part of my life, it is part of it. I am learning from it, I am letting go, I even feel petty for her. As she still tries her schemes on other people, but that is no longer a concern of mine. She is far away from me. 
I have build my life back up with my husband, my two kids, my family and my friends. I have some of my old friends that have stuck with me thru this and I have made a lot of new friends since then.
So here is to life after the Toxicity of a nasty person…
~Claudia
#alwayskeepfighting

4 weeks post op and the struggle is still real…

as you know 4 weeks ago I had surgery to remove a bones spur on top of my foot, it had been agitating me for 4 years. Well we are 4 weeks in and I haven’t not made it back to the gym as my foot keeps swelling.  As you can see in the picture, that was Friday (sorry for the terrible pedicure, but Ihaven’t been able to go). I am trying to elevate as much as I can, but I have work that has to be done and with a store opening soon, this is really putting a damper on things.

My food is ok, I haven’t been logging which I am changing today and I am trying to be better at my water intake. I have neglected that as well. My weight is fluctuating between 246 and 243, after this weekend (I had a convention, brought most of my food, but made decent choices) I have to get back to it. I hate not being able to do what I want/need to do for work and my body. I am trying to stay positive and but I can slowly feel the depression creeping up and I don’t want that. 
Also Today, 4 years ago I decided to end a 4 yrs friendship with a woman that abused, my good nature and took bits an pieces of me. It has been a very long road to build myself up again. But I am getting there. I have a pretty successful business, I am about to open a store with an amazing business partner and go on a new adventure. 
This weightloss Journey has done wonders for me, my self confidence has become stronger, (work in progress) I actually like some pictures of me, like this one. It was taken at the Renaissance Fair with my husband and I don’t look like a beached whale.
I still have a long ways to go, but Rome wasn’t build in one day and trying to find what was lost is taking a while, but it’s getting better, I have more days that are bright and filled with laughter, then the dark grey ones. And that is the goal. I know I live with the depression and the anxiety (both caused by the stress of aformentioned friendship) but I can manage it and live with it. Also this healthy lifestyle has contributed to the healing and the process. So me not being able to work out and blow off some steam is putting a damper on, but this time I know I can do it. I have an amazing support netwok and cheerleaders in my camp. And that is what counts. 
So please #alwayskeepfighting cause you story is not over yet… 
Much love,
Claudia

3 weeks Post Op and I walked a 5K…

Yeah you read that right…

I had signed up before surgery to do the #RunForIt5K from To Write Love On Her Arms and was able to raise over $500 in the process. That money will go and help people like me, that suffer from depression, anxiety or any other mental health issue.

I ran for Jared Padalecki, cause one year ago he started the conversation, with this #alwayskeepfighting shirt campaign. I now own all the shirts from each campaign and wear them as a daily reminder that my story is not over yet.

My foot held up really well I had to slow down, it took my husband and I almost 90mins to finish it, cause we walked so slow, but who cares we did it.

I feel confident enough now, to actually get back in the gym and keep going on this journey of mine that I started seriously on November 1st 2015. I am down from my heaviest weight in August 2015, which was 288lb to now at 244lb. But My goal is 180lb and see from there.

Keep going and #alwayskeepfighting

Recover from Bone Spur Surgery

I had a bone spur in my ankle removed about a week ago. So far so good. Today I was able to put weight on that foot without pain.

I am going to my follow up Tomorrow. And I have no idea what my recover time is, what restrictions are and what not.
But there are things I know…

Before I went into surgery I made my meal plan and I went grocery shopping. I picked meals that were easy to cook for my husband and my Teenage Daughter. Also this time I really did rest and I am drinking lots of water.
I had gall bladder surgery 5yrs ago and my recover was ok, but not great due to me being me and trying to do to much to fast. (it might have also had something to do with the fact that my former Narcisistic best friend, guilted me into doing stuff to soon, but I digress)
My husband has been great, he reminds me to take it easy and slow, that might just be cause he wants me to be able to take care of him when he has his hernia surgery next week. Yeah my family does everything at once, you could think we get a discount.

But back to my plan.
My goal is to not gain weight this month as I am not able to workout as I would like. So food is Key. I have been doing ok, I haven’t logged, but not being able to go anywhere and not having junk food in the house makes that kind of sort of easy. I have broken my no eating starches after 3pm rule a few times this week, but hey, I just had surgery. LOL
I am almost off the pain pills. Instead of 2 I take on and I am down to taking one in the am and one in the pm. So far so good.
I have been drinking lots of water and this morning I got on the scale I was 244.8lb. which is exactly what I weighed the morning of the surgery. So it can only go down from here.

The reason I know this is going to work this time ( I quit the gym and caring after the gall bladder surgery) is I have backup. My husband is my biggest support. My trainer has been messaging me every day since the surgery and has been so encouraging. My kids cause they eat what I had planned and have no complaints, I think that is my biggest achievement as a cook, my kids love my food, they are not picky eaters and they eat healhty. Yes my son does eat at the cafeteria, but instead of a burger he picks the salad and fruit each day and my daughter usually takes leftovers. My husband makes his lunch salad every evening. We are in this together as a family.
So getting back to the gym should be easy. I plan as soon as I am allowed to do upper body.

So here is to a healthy future.

~ Claudia

Hitting a Rough Spot?

So I am 4 months into my fitness/weight loss Journey.

I am down almost 40lb. since August of 2015 and I do feel great. But this week has been rough.

I am fighting a bout with depression and some health issues, I made it to the gym yesterday and I am going walking today. Tomorrow the gym will be in the afternoon and I am going Saturday as well.

But here is what is bumming me out. I have a bone spur in my foot right in my ankle joint and it f*ing hurts. I had cortisone shots, but yesterday the decision was made to get it surgically removed. So surgery is scheduled for the 24th of March. Which gives me 4 more weeks to work out and loose more weight.  The bad thing is I am going to be in a boot for 4 weeks 🙁 Which bums me out, here is why…

In 2008 I had my nasal septum straightened, due to doing a faceplant when I was 5 and not being able to breathe. It was a real struggle to get back into the gym then. In 2011 I had my gall bladder removed, I had already gained some weight back by then, but that surgery and the stress of the friendship that started to crumble did me in, I quit working out and eating healthy and ended up 100lb. heavier then I was in 2007.

So now you can see where my dilemma is and what demons I am fighting. But I can’t stress how important it is to find support. I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband and 2 teenagers I can count on. They have my back and I am very blessed. I also have my friends and I build a wonderful online community for supporting each other in our Journeys.

I know you can do this on your own, but when it gets tough, it’s easier to have someone that tells you they believe in you. Or that will cook a dinner so you don’t go out and eat all the crap in the world. If you can’t find someone, got check out my Facebook page “Geeks Who Lift” and message me. I got your back. It’s just important to have support.

Thank you all that are supporting me and telling me already that I can do this, cause this time, I know what traps are laid out for me and I don’t have the Toxicity that was that relation ship in my life anymore.

Best,

Claudia

Saturday Musings on the past week…

This past week has been a bit rough.

I wasn’t feeling so well on Thursday and Friday. I had a night mare on Thursday that I woke up from and I could not shake it and then in the afternoon I started to feel like I was getting sick, headache, runny nose and cold. I could not get my body temp right. I am wondering if it has something to do with my body getting enough Vitamin D now. As I was diagnosed to have Vitamin D deficiency.
I also noticed this is Week 3 now since I am taking it and I started to have dreams again and remembering them. Which is sometimes really cool, sometimes not so much.
So Thursday was also the day my legs told me that they would appreciate it, if we were not to workout. So I did a rest day. I also was in bed by 8:30pm.

Friday I woke up feeling better but still not 100%, but I made myself go for a walk once it was warmer and that turned into my regular 5K walk and I beat my best time as well I got it done in 57minutes.
The rest of the day wen’t well.  Well ok I am lying I got on the scale in the morning and was not happy as I was at 266.2 I still had lost half a lb from the previous week. But instead of eating my weight in chocolate I went for that walk.
Then last night we had family for Dinner and I was content and happy.

Today my husband got up at the crack of dawn and ran a 15K, yes he is a runner and is running his first half marathon next weekend and I am very proud of him, but I got woken up and could not get back to sleep. But I decided to stay in bed anyways. Well I was futzing around to late to go to the Combat class at the gym. So I decided to workout in our driveway and modify the workout my trainer gave me to fit the equipment I have here at the house. It was not easy.

Then after that I got to do what I love the most, is hanging out with my husband and run errands with no kids. It’s my favorite thing. And I got a new pair of Cross Trainer Shoes, I didn’t know Under Armour makes shoes, but I tried them on, they fit like a glove and came home with me. I did have to buy a size 9, cause the 8.5 were to small. But I got them.

Then for Dinner we were supposed to have Chicken Gyros, well I forgot to take the chicken out of the feezer, so we had Sirloin Tip Steak and I made a killer creamy mushroom sauce to go with it.Gluten Free and Dairy Free.

I hope this coming week will be a bit better. I am really happy with this Journey so far and in two week I get to Hug Jared Padalecki 😀 cause my wonderful husband got me a Photo Op for Valentine’s Day. How awesome is that?

Here is to a better week.

2016 Here we go…

Wow, what a start into the new year.

I am proud to say that since November 1st I am down 20lb. I managed to loose weight over the toughest part of the year. But with planning it all paid off and I am more determined than ever to keep going.

I also am toying with the idea of becoming NASM certified again as I do miss being a Trainer. I loved being a personal Trainer and helping others to achieve their goals. But first I must loose a little bit more weight and I would like to learn more from my Trainer Gabriel at Holy Fit in Austin.
He is amazing and I love his support and how he is always there for me. I do online training with him. I think he has spidey senses, cause he always knows when I need a pick me up message.

At the beginning of the year people always make resolutions, I am a bit weary about them since I never seem to be able to actually do them, so I made a list of things I would like to accomplish this year.

  • Spend more time with my kids and husband
  • Loose 80 more lb and fit into my size 10 clothes again
  • Run and finish the Texas Ren Fair Mud Run
    • I signed up for this, now I just need to train on climbing, running and crawling
  • Save enough money to go to the Supernatural Convention in Vancouver in August
I think these are all very obtainable things, I don’t want to set myself up for failure. I know I am doing the right things. I am eating cleaner and better then I ever have, I found my passion for working out again, my depression is manageable, it rears it’s ugly head every so often (like today) but the good days out weigh the bad by miles. 
I am so blessed to have such an amazing support system, my family and friends are amazing. The anger I have towards myself, for letting myself become what I had become is lessening a lot. So this year I wanna make as positive as possible. I want to love myself again no matter what size I am, you know why? I am healthy. I may not be able to run 5K (yet) but I walk it under an hour. And I probably can out last some of the snobby meat heads at the gym easily, since I do 4 rounds of 15-20 reps with my weights. 
I think I am on the right path to find true happiness this year. 
Much love and light
Claudia

Day 4… ugghh, I hate depression

I got up this am, well reluctantly, which was the first time this week. I didn’t want to get up that shoudl have been a sign right there. I made breakfast and I took my daughter to school and then went to the gym. I felt great at the gym I even did more cardio then I was supposed to.

As soon as I got home, I looked at my house and I felt overwhelmed. I hate this. I made my snack ate it and then just sat there, close to crying. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up an hour later with a headache. It was lunch time and I made my lunch (thank Chuck I had prepped lunches, so I could just pop it in the microwave to heat) then went to bed and layed down.
Yup I was hit by a small depression episode. I used to take meds and was in therapy, but 3.5 years ago when I got rid of the most Toxic person in my life, suddenly I didn’t need those things. I still have bad days and today is not even a really bad day, but it’s a bad day. I am fortunate enough to regognize that it is a bad day. I wanna sit here and just cry and I don’t know even why? I hate days like today.
Depression is hard, it cuts into your life, and it makes you feel worthless. I know that I did good by going to the gym and not eating crap, but I still feel sad.

Tomorrow will be a new day and I will keep fighting, I have a wonderful husband, my kids, my family, my friends and Jared Padalecki to fight for.

Sorry for the ramblings… 🙁

I got this… or so I think…

I am no writer by any means, but I decided this time around I will do my best to keep up with writing this. I am mergin this blog and my ramblings cause they all tie in together. Healthy cooking, working out, my obsession with Supernatural and this Journey.
It’s been 5 years that I packed on the 80lb. I lost in 2006. plus and extra 20. Thanks being over 40. I thought I could do it again by myself, but I realized this is not happening this time. So a friend of mine had amazing results with Holy Fit in Austin and the great thing is Gabriel does online clients. I also talked my beloved husband into doing with me. Except he wants to loose only a little bit of fat and gain mostly muscle.
So here we are on Day 2. I was given the task of doing 30-40 minutes of Cardio. Well one Episode of Supernatural on Netflix is 41minutes long. So I watched that and then added 4 minutes of cool down to it. Having a Trainer makes the differnce, even thou he is not there, I am still accountable for everything. I wear my HR monitor and that way I track how many calories I burn.
On day 1, I got the workout and at first it didn’t look to hard. Well when I got to Circuit 3 halfway I wanted to puke and I felt dizzy, so I called it quits. I texted Gabriel and then called my husband. I was close to crying cause I failed, I didn’t finish the workout. Then my husband told me, you went to the gym, you did workout, you didn’t stay home, this is a victory. He always knows to tell me the right things. Then Gabriel called later in the day and told me that I got a lot farther then he thought. And that I did good. That put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
So yeah, I need to re learn to focus on the positive and don’t dwell on the Negative.
I also made this edit for a group. These are not Jared’s words, but he just puts a smile on my face every day.

I have a long Journey ahead but each step that I take will take me closer.